call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
