Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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