im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
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Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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