I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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