That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
