this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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