i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
