On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
