Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
