I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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