I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
