Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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