i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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