non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
