first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
we should paint friendship bongs
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