Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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