i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
