note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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