dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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