i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
