Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
