In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
