I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
