I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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