I will die if light touches me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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