i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
