dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
