And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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