I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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