just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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