There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
