Already got asked if we're dating
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
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In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
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My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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