I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
