I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
