if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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