My hand turned me down
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
