Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
