sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
