Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
