have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
