I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
