Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
