We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
