So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
