Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
