Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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