I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I deserve this hangover.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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