my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
