We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
