I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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