STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
