I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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