Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Boobs speak an international language.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
