I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
