who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
