so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
