i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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