my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
