I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
These tits shall not be calmed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
